alright, back to blog about my life again.
i had the best and worst day of my life in these few days. =)
so it's gonna be a wordy post. well my blog looks dead so i think no one will read it after all. =)

1st of all, 1mins of slience for the countries and for those who've been hit hard by recent Natural mother wrath. =(
it's really very sad. i read the news paper and those photo s seriously make my eyes wet. ='(

2nd of all. happy birthday to Ms tay wanlin. finally she's 18 and able to clubbing and offically go pub and drink wine. =)
i know i spoil your birthday hope.
i'm sorry about it.
i am not a perfect person, i crush your birthday's party this morning.
i know u're upset about why i didn't celebrate your birthday with u. i am sorry about it.
yes i do plan about it. and i already plan it out everything.
on your birthday, i can't really celebrate with u alone is becos, my parents, keep on asking me is it true your birthday falls on my bro birthday.
yes of cos it's true.
they wanna celebrate with u tgt,
why?
well i think they have already treat u as one of family member le.
i didn't know my mum will gong gong till ask me those stupid question.
didn't know their planning was so bad.
i regret celebrating with them.
but, i need to spare a thought for my bro too.
both of u are important to me in my life.
seriously i thouught my mum plan somthing good for u and my bro.
but i didn't expect it to turn out like this.
i am seriously sorry.

well wad about my plan?
i intend to bring u go gelaria or sth to eat wad u've been wishing for.
your elmo, elmo balloon, elmo cake and sth special awaiting for u at there.
i know i shouldn't doubt u.
we just been back for just one day and i sth like this happen.
yes, u're right, i am dumb.
in your eyes, i am a near perfect bf, i can't make any mistake at all.
but still i am just a normal human being,
although i am always like "anything anything" de.
but u know tat when i plan soomething so seriously about it.
i wan it to be perfect.
i don't wan anything to spoil my plan.
hey gelaria manager and staff, i am sorry about it.
make u guys busy for nothing, seriously sorry about it.
i knw u're unhappy why i didn't plan anything for u,
i am sorry.
i don't wna to tell u any of my plan in the 1st place is becos,
i wan to create a surprise for u.
it's been long since i last create surprise for u.
or maybe i shld put it, it's the 1st time i am being so romantic.
haha, can't believe right?

after the lunch, book the tickets for accurcy of death already, 6.10pm
i secretly went to book it ytd,
after movie, gonna bring u to somewhere special.
some where i've promise u before.
after tat go home!!! oh ya, before i forgot.
why i choose pasir ris downtown east gelaria?
cos it's very near wanlin house.
got the big elmo is already so troublesome.
plus the special thing and the elmo balloon. cannot plan too far away.
so u can bring it home. i am not gonna carry it if just now we went there.
it's your present.

friends must be thinking how come i am so rich arh?
well nope, i went to work part time job.
help to wrap or put handphone into their box.
it's very tiring.
no one knows about this job. not even my dad and mum.
just planning to have enough money for your birthday celebration with me.

thanks for saying those words to me.
many people say when someone is angry with u, they will say out how unhappy they are toward u or how they don't like about u.
sorry to let u see the ugly side of me like u say.
turning into a "beast". hey hey, don't think y y!!!
thanks for saying i am not same old guy anymore.
thanks for telling me u don't love me anymore.
thanks for so many wonderful things u given to me.
thanks for telling me i am not suited to be your bf.
i have tried my best to give u the best of me.

friends, jealousy will kill.
just like me.
i'm dead.
maybe i got no reason to be jealous. =)

yes, i saw your effort. i am happy to see your effort.
i am not blind.
tat why, i lied to u about the part time job, all the planning and all the gift.
i learn something,
i am just not the old me anymore.

i admit, i am very sensitive towards anyone now after wad happen to me 1 month ago.
i am very protective against anyone now.
i am afraid to get hurt again,
but it's so difficult not to fall in love with u again.
maybe u're right.
guys like me don't deserve any gf.
yes i guess many must be thinking.
i am sorry to doubt u. the r/s is still so new, although we've been tgt for 9mths.
i need time to have completely trust again,
i will learn.
for example, i didn't mention or talk about his name anymore.
didn't ask who's talking to u. i am trying, very hard.
i really don't wan to let it go.
it's so difficult.
(grandmama, finally i know how u feel now!)

i am not perfect. i am a normal human being,
i got my needs of love and care.
yes, u given me enough love and care,
i am glad.
i know it's stupid to compare abouit it.
sometime i wish, i nmake a small mistake, u will forgive me, instead of angrying with me.
i make mistake.
i been through alot alot these few weeks.
i've got my judgement for my attachment,
i give up on everything,
i lost hope in everything,
i lost confident totally.

now then i know, when i am very sad or hurt or feeling so low in my life,
i am always alone walking in the path of darkness.
no one there to share my pain.
no one there to comfort me.
no one there to cheer me up.
just no one.

God why?
did i done something so wrong in your eye?
always let me be alone?
do u know the feeling of being lonely is so terrible?
do u really plan so much pain in my life?
wadever i do, always can't get it right.
maybe u're right.
i am just a useless guy down here,
wasting earth resources.

i wan to throw everything away.
everything! including myself!
i am all alone all along.
sorry dad and mum to disappoint u guy.
Mr aloy, thanks for helping me throughout.
thanks bros for giving me your support even i am not a gd brother!
thanks wanlin for lending me your shoulder when i receive the bad news.
thanks for being my wonderful gf throughout.
thanks for everything.

from today onward,
i shall seal up myself.
no one will be disappointed in me again.

i really wan to cry out now!
really feel like crying non stop till my eyes gone blind.
living in darkness may suits me better.

or is there anyone who can bring me out of darkness?